Last Change:2017.02.06 20:49:13 / Time:2017.07.26 20:25:58

Phuket HHH Run #999 #1000 - Scribe Report

Months and months in anticipation, a few days of planning by a handful of dedicated Phuket Hashers, an unrivaled PR campaign by the GM who personally visited Hashes throughout SE Asia to promote the event, a 1000 Run t-shirt managed by Scud, entertainment by Big Bollox—including a replay of the wildly successful ‘Dueling Wankers’ skit from the brilliant 500 Run stage production—loads and loads of visitors from all over the place…we had our 1000 Run event at long last!  Hashers came from all over the place to attend; Sir Wanda from London, Frankfurter from the wilds of New York, Speedlight and Suzy Klong and Bob from their perilous life in Malibu, and many others.
 
Never mind we had the date wrong on the original schedule.  Hashers can’t be expected to keep track of things that happened yesterday, much less things that have not yet occurred.  But some magical math was performed and the GM came up with a program that started with a Bike Hash on Monday, the Kamala Koma on Tuesday, Tinman on Wednesday, Iron Pussy on the same day, the 999 on Friday, the 1000 on Saturday including the Ballbuster Cross Island Run, 3 ½ hours of good fun with Little Pygmy coming in ahead of all the other brave souls, the 1001 on Sunday and a special Monday run and barbeque at the ideal laager location of Big A Resort.  And the following Thursday was a Maraud Run for qualified pre-approved applicants only. Your scribe got worn out doing half the runs.  Praise be to those who did most or all of the runs.  All power to Swollen Colon for presiding over all but the specialized runs and for keeping the good times rolling on!  All glory to Nature, that awesome power that sent the rain to keep us cool in the 1000 Run circle and that sent vicious gusts of driving rain down on the Marauders (who were struggling in the hills with Rosie’s brand of laying new wet paper nearby old wet paper), to wash away their sinful desires. 
 
The 1001 Run was at Crystal Beach, last visited by Hash on Jan1, six days after Patong Beach Road was buried under a jumble of the usual local artifacts (pickups, motorcycles, jetskis, longtails, garbage, tuk tuks and beach chairs etc.).  Happy to say that the revived Crystal Beach has a new restaurant and beside it, nice easy access down to the rest of the beach. The circle started on time and just went on and on.  Indeed, the circle was entertained by a local marching band that performed traditional Thai folk music.  Many people joined in with their own brave attempts at the fluid hand and body dance movments of the pooying.
 
The special Big A barbeque run featured, in addition to the swimming pool and bungalow comfort of the place, the sight of an exhausted Flubber carrying the Horn and coming in long after everyone else had returned.  He offered up some excuse for his failure but was hooted down by the collective shouts of “Looooserrr!”  GM Swollen Colon made do with a succession of short notice stewards, all helping make the day a good one.  With the exception of BC, who flipped back to his ‘my body is my temple, I will not defile it’ mode and left before he could be called in the circle.
 
With such a colorful mass of visiting Hashers involved with the 999 and the 1000, it was a big challenge to take notes about all that happened in these runs and circles.  However your scribe had the occasional lucid moment, took a few scribbled notes here and there, and will give a few random impressions of things that may have occurred in these (or perhaps past or imagined future) circles.
 
999:  There was a run and there was a walk.  The walk was billed by Hare Dambuster as a short 40 minute stroll.  40 minutes didn’t even get us half way, but never mind.  The hares provided a fine laager next to Bang Wat Dam.  Actually, it was just the other side of the dam from the site of the 500 Run and stage production (you want to see Hash entertainment at its best?  Find someone with the 500 run video or CD made from it.  Hey, we’re all 500 Saturdays older now; we can’t be expected to put on quite the same thing again.  Be happy Big Bollox organized all that he did, and a big thanks to him!)
 
Some of the visiting Hashers promoted future Hash events including a big run in Lao, the Interhash in Chiang Mai and a major milestone event for the Chiang Rai Hash.  Check with them for dates and details.
 
There wasn’t a 999 run t-shirt.  People who jumped the gun and wore their 1000 run shirts at the 999 circle were put into the sinbins.  In fact, many people were put into the bins.  The GM started the circle by reminding everyone about the ‘buffalo theory of drinking’.  Just like the old, ill and useless buffalo fall behind the herd and are taken out by the predators, alcohol kills the old and weak brain cells, leaving only the quick, efficient ones for our activities the next day.  This is the theory.  Flubber was put into the bin and educated as the GM introduced us to this theory.  It was difficult or impossible to have quiet in a circle so huge so the GM deputized certain people as ‘gobby police’ and gave them the power to pull in miscreants and give them plungers of refreshing Chang beer.  GM called as his whipping boy Drover’s Dog.  Drover’s Dog has been to Hash exactly three times, and has been the whipping boy each and every one of those runs.  It’s a true Hash welcome to a man who is not even technically a member as yet.  There were virgins, of course, and they were put on their knees to drink beers at this special Hash event.  Fuck Off came to us from the Nigerian Hash.  They have a unique way of laying runs.  When you come to a dead body that means it’s a check; go back and see if you can find paper again.
 
Then came the collective punishments.  Bring in all the Aussies, the English,  The Tasmanians, the Indians, Pattaya Hashers, the Malays…on and on it went.  Wilma took his baby into the bin with him.  NonEntity was binned and made to watch Spanner as she entertained with her awesome sexy moves.  Princess Labia from Brazil pulled her pants down before going into the bin.  Sick Fucker flung the plucked chicken into the circle at regular intervals.  NaHeeMan showed his ass and dropped into the bin without even being told. 
 
Vertical Limit was a steward and put many into the sinbins.  Goatfucker was binned and given three beers but threw one of them at the steward.  No Hope, new partner with Scud in the Hash institution Fawlty Towers, was introduced.  VertLim was thanked and put into the bin by the GM.  Next steward was Duke of Puke who began by binning the birthday boy Sir Wanda.  VertLim and Flubber were binned for doing bad things to Wanda’s head, and 4x2 was binned for hanging out with Bog.  A sack-and-shoving race injured a few Hashers, then came Porky’s fun game of spin around and around the stick.  Louis the Lip was called in to do a spot, Flubber was iced and at some point the circle ended.
 
1000 Run Scribe Report
 
A logistical wonder!  At least 27 buses brought Hashers from many embarkation points to the starting points for the various runs, walks and ballbusters.  Pygmy flopped into the sinbin, punished for setting up the beer truck next to the Nai Ton school when it was supposed to be on the beach.  Little Pygmy was first in from the Cross Island event, followed by Barf Wader, Pawnshop, TopOff, Suzy Klong, Root, Cobblers, Harry Hoodini and others.  Duke wore a police helmet and gave squirts of liquor to the talkative cunts in the circle.  Rainman was blamed for the rain, and Flubber was blamed for arranging bags of ice cubes instead of blocks of the stuff.  He was put into the BIG orange bin for his error.  Big Fellow did the Cross Island but his wife did it too and came in before him.  Bimbo was lost somewhere.  A reluctant virgin was called in; she didn’t drink her beer yesterday when they were all put on their knees.  The GM wanted to bin her but she said she’d ‘stain the water’ so she was allowed to go free.
 
The circle went on but so did the rain, so not much more detail can be given.  We went back to Kamala for a big feed and the evening’s entertainment with MC Big Bollox.
 
The circle on Sunday at Crystal Beach, the site of the 1001, featured many stewards and continued on as people wandered off to have dinner and came back for more punishment.  The run took the pack up a hill, then on a series of unconnected falsies until everyone went back down the hill to drink beer.
 
Monday’s run was hot and the event at Big A was good fun.  Those who stayed around till Thursday joined the Maraud and wandered around in the hills, trying to sort out paper from about six previous runs.  Pickup trucks and ATVs were sent to fetch stragglers, then it was on to the venue for fun and games, GM Brunswick presiding.  At the end of the evening it was announced that this was actually an AGPU and the new GM stepped forward.  Welcome to the new job, Vertical Limit!
 
And so a fine Hash celebration came to an end.  Probably most people will recover, given time.  The memories, or lack of them, will live on.
 
On on
The Reverend Fingerlicker